


Don't Let Go

by ladyschrei



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec learns what a CD does, Angst, Child Death, Death, Depression, Gen, Loss, M/M, Magnus comforting Alec, Mental Breakdown, Raphael is mentioned only, Simon tries to be helpful, Wakes & Funerals, might be triggering to some so please read at your own discretion!, no self-harm or anything like that though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-30
Updated: 2016-05-30
Packaged: 2018-07-11 05:32:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7031050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladyschrei/pseuds/ladyschrei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alec's whole world collapses after the death of his brother, Max.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't Let Go

**Author's Note:**

> I hope this gives everyone as many feels as it gave me writing it ;w;  
> Also if you like this, please feel free to check out my original fiction Broken, which is written in the same format! #shamelessplug  
> Kinda winged the funeral here btw lol.

Alec is reading in his bedroom when the commotion begins. First a scream, followed by another, then another. He's out the door as fast as his stamina rune will allow him, realizing halfway down the hall he forgot his bow and arrows, wondering if he should go back for them.

Too late.

One of the training rooms is crowded with people. Alec spots the dead Forsaken first, stopping in his tracks. That can't be possible. That _isn't_ possible. How the hell did it get in here?

There's another one lying a few feet away. That isn't what has everyone's attention, though.

Isabelle is kneeling on the floor, makeup running down her cheeks, loud sobs leaving her throat, one after the next. Alec's father is there, too. And his mother. They're all crying, surrounding something small on the floor.

Something small with glasses, and dark hair.

Alec thinks he screams, but he's not sure. Isabelle is looking at him, her face twisted in pain and suddenly the room is spinning. Alec reaches for something, anything, to grab onto, but there's nothing there. He hears his name, someone calling out for him, but the voice sounds too far away. He feels himself land on something hard, and he's not sure whether he's staring at the ceiling or the floor. And everything is getting so dark, he just wants to sleep for a while and wake up from this nightmare.

_Max._

When he comes to, someone is standing over him. The figure is fuzzy, a shadow; he wonders if it's another Forsaken come to kill him, too. Alec thinks perhaps he'll let it. He wonders how long he was asleep - days, years? But it must not have been long - he can still hear them screaming.

The face above him morphs into Jace, a look of terror in his eyes and he reaches for Alec, trying to help him sit up, trying to speak but Alec can't hear anything, his ears are ringing too loud for that.

His stomach churns, a pain like fire bursting in his every bone and he can't escape it. He hugs himself, trying to rub the flames out but they're _everywhere_ , deep inside him and he can't put them out. He screams again, and this time it's so loud, he does hear it.

He isn't sure where he gets the strength to stand, let alone to run, but he does. Alec is confused; where can he go? But his legs take him, and he doesn't think they can make it there fast enough.

He runs into the first bathroom he finds and his knees hit the floor in front of the toilet. His stomach churns again, his entire body shaking and then he's sick, letting out everything inside him until he can't anymore. He feels hands on him, hands that tremble and are covered in sweat, hands that are urgent and worried.

It takes him a minute to realize they're two different sets of hands.

They pull him up, holding onto his arms and his back, steering him and he wonders if they're taking him away, taking him home.

Isn't he already home? No. No, Max wouldn't be dead if he were home.

 _Max._ He looked so small on the floor. So cold...

Was it really him? Alec isn't sure. Maybe it was someone else. Maybe it was another Forsaken. Are there any that small? He thinks he should ask.

But what should he say? _Is Max really dead?_ His lips try to form the words, but all that comes out is a small croak.

"Please."

Something soft touches him, something inviting. He wouldn't mind staying here for awhile. His eyes feel so tired, but he forces them to stay open. He forces them to _see._

He's in his bedroom... at least, that's what he thinks. And there's Jace, his eyes full of tears, and there's Alec's father standing next to him. The fog in his brain is thick, but he strains to hear them talking.

"'Stay with him Jace, please."

"I will."

The bed dips down beside Alec. His body feels heavy as lead now, but he turns his neck enough to see Jace climbing up next to him. He wraps himself around Alec's body, the two of them pressed back to stomach and Alec feels an arm curl around him. He tries to breathe out, wishes he could mold them into one.

Maybe then things would make sense. Maybe then he'd have some clarity.

A hand touches his cheek. A whisper.

"Sleep."

So Alec does.

* * *

 

The room is hot when Alec wakes up. There's a sheet around him, and one of his desk lamps is on. Did he fall asleep reading? He doesn't remember.

He doesn't remember...

He remembers. Max.

He sits up, his forehead sweating and something moves beside him. He almost screams again.

Almost.

Jace blinks his eyes open, squinting in the light, the sheet around his legs too and he looks up at Alec. Then his face softens, and he holds out his arm.

And Alec burrows into his chest. And he cries.

Jace rubs his back. He whispers to him. He tries to be comforting. Jace is never usually comforting.

Alec isn't sure if he's even allowed to feel comforted. Not after what's happened.

Not after Max.

The door opening sometime later startles them, Jace reaching for his seraph blade but it's just Isabelle, her eyes puffy, her face red.

Alec reaches out for her; she takes his hand. He pulls her onto the bed, down under the covers, where it's safe.

But they're in the Institute, they shouldn't have to worry about being _safe._

Least of all not Max.

Why did it have to be Max?

The three of them huddle together, and soon sleep calls for Alec once again.

He feels terrified to answer.

* * *

 

The next two days pass in a blur. Alec hardly leaves his bed.

Sometimes he eats, mostly he sleeps. Bathroom breaks in between. He tries to visit Izzy, but sometimes she just won't answer the door.

One time he tries to wait for her, sits against the wall outside her room. He falls asleep there. His dad ends up carrying him to bed.

And then there's Simon.

Clary visits every now and then, when Alec is awake and competent enough to respond. And one time, she brings Simon.

Alec usually hates the vampire. He doesn't think he has the energy to hate him anymore.

Simon apologizes for Alec's loss. Alec grunts in response. He can't muster himself to say anything more.

Simon puts a gift on the bedside table and leaves. Alec doesn't touch it until he's long gone.

It's a CD. Alec doesn't have CDs.

Clary gets him some device that plays them.

It's full of instrumental songs. A total of one hour and three minutes long. They're soothing.

Alec listens through the entire thing once, quiet.

He listens to it a second time after that and cries.

The music puts him to sleep.

* * *

 

"Do I have to go?"

"What?"

"I can't do it."

It's nine in the morning. Max died three days ago.

Time for the funeral.

Alec's father stands in front of him. Alec is sitting on his bed. His suit is hanging in the closet.

"Please don't make me go."

"Alec," his father pleads. He kneels in front of him, touches his knee. "I know you're scared. But you need your chance to say goodbye."

"I don't wanna go. _Please._ Please don't make me."

Alec breaks down after that. It's worse than any time before. His father holds him, and soon his mother comes to join.

Hands touch his hair. His face. His back. His dad rocks him.

Izzy brings him breakfast.

They tell him to eat and try to sleep. He can have one more hour to rest, just one.

Alec doesn't touch the food, and sleep doesn't touch him. At least, that's what it feels like. Like he only slept for one second long.

He hugs Izzy for a long time before he puts his suit on.

It's black, and his father helps him straighten his tie. Jace helps him brush his hair.

He wishes the entire way there that he could be at home.

* * *

 

The funeral parlor is run by a group of old Shadowhunters. It was Maryse's decision to bury Max here instead of Alicante.

They all decided it was too far away to go see him regularly.

Only Shadowhunters attend, with the exception of a few guests. Like Simon. It was Alec's idea to invite him.

He brings Raphael.

Magnus is there, too.

He and Alec don't get to talk much during the service. Alec sits up front with his family. The casket is closed.

It's better this way.

A Silent Brother leads the ceremony. Alec holds Jace's hand. He doesn't remember grabbing it, but Jace doesn't let go.

Alec squeezes so tight, he knows it has to hurt. His own hand hurts.

He's scared to let go. He's afraid of what'll happen if he does. Where he'll be pulled. Surely somewhere unpleasant.

The reception is at the Institute. The room where they found Max is closed off. Alec stays as far away from it as possible.

He really just wants to find Magnus.

Eventually he does, and the warlock is all alone. He's in a nice suit, no makeup and no nail polish, his hair neatly done. Alec pulls him into a quiet hallway and kisses him.

Magnus holds Alec for a long time. They don't really speak, and Alec doesn't mind. But the silence is slowly killing him.

Magnus takes the hint and talks first.

"I'm sorry I didn't come see you earlier, I wasn't sure if it was appropriate... or if I was even allowed. Thank you for letting me come to the funeral. Thank your parents for me, too, if I don't get to them first."

"Please don't leave me, Magnus."

"I won't, Alexander. I promise."

Alec finds them a nice place to sit in a secluded spot, by a window, so they can look out at the stars.

Alec imagines the brightest one is Max.

He and Magnus kiss softly some more.

"Come by whenever you need to talk, okay? Don't be a stranger," Magnus says before he leaves. Everyone is leaving. Alec's family needs him right now, he knows he can't ask Magnus to stay.

"I'll come by this week," Alec decides, and Magnus squeezes his hand. Alec swears he can feel his own fingertips tingling with magic.

He guesses that's what happens when you love a warlock.

* * *

 

Three days after the funeral, Alec desperately needs some fresh air.

"Can I go visit Magnus?" he asks his mother. He's afraid what his parents will say.

They say yes. Alec gathers some things and goes.

It's not a very long trip to Magnus's apartment. The wind is chilly, and Alec breathes in as much of it as he can. He rings the bell and Magnus opens the door, smiling and letting him inside.

Magnus heats up a pot of soup. "You need to eat, you look like you haven't been."

"I'm alright," Alec says softly, but he doesn't really want to argue. Besides, he knows his mouth is nearly watering at the thought. "Do you have a CD player?" he asks, and Magnus laughs, nodding.

Apparently he has a rule about eating in his bedroom. He lets Alec break that rule. They climb into his bed together, snuggle under the covers, a TV tray over Alec's legs with a bowl of soup and some crackers on top of it. The CD Simon made him plays softly in the background, and Alec hands Magnus the photo album he's brought over.

It's full of photos of Max, and all the Lightwoods together. Alec tells Magnus different stories about his little brother while he eats, happy ones and sad ones, every single one that he can think of.

And soon the stories have run out, and the bowl of soup is empty, and Alec is asleep on Magnus's shoulder. Magnus texts Jace to let him know Alec is alright, just in case.

Then Magnus tucks Alec in, and doesn't move a muscle after that, because he knows how much the Shadowhunter needs him right now.

Magnus holds Alec and doesn't let him go.

He'll never let him go.


End file.
